To my 21-year-old self, today is my last day of recognizing you. I didn’t know that you were such a hard phase I have to bear.
You started out right, you did the things that you thought can make you happy and it did make you happy, for a while. You tried to move forward by discovering new roads leading to different journeys. You tried to fasten your seatbelt, only to find out that the best adventures happen with less caution.
Indeed you were still young, but it didn’t stop you from unfolding new chapters in your life. It didn’t stop you from meeting new acquaintances, getting involved in different activities, exposing yourself out to the people and letting people know who you are and you are making a strong identity in the process.
Sometimes you had a hard time fighting your emotions and then you end up following them and regret it, then back at it again.
Such a cycle and a pain but that’s what we call growing up.
You started out right; it was good, it was appealing, it was affirmative but because of the choices you made, you were trapped.
You were trapped, you chose to stay where you stopped and then got a hard time finding ways to move.
Then you were drowned, you let your past define you, and you forgot to strengthen the walls you have built after years of reconstruction from ground zero.
It was a good drive until you didn’t know who you are with. All you heard was good music until all that surrounds you was silence.
It was a supposed to be a fun-filled adventure but it turned out to be a nightmare you wished you didn’t experience.
Indeed it was a perfect period for regret and pain.
It was a perfect time to feed your inner demons. It was a perfect time for them to take advantage of your weakness and from there, they have found their strength.
It was indeed a perfect time for suicide. It was like death was just an inch closer to you.
From then on every day is a struggle, every single day becomes a burden and every single day feels like chaos.
You didn’t even know who were you before everything got worse.
Luckily, the voices inside your head screamed at you until you came back to your senses. It was like they were fighting all along with the demons that captured your heart. It was like conquering a war.
And then in a snap you saw your soul; helpless, miserable and in agony but it didn’t stop you from getting back up, from regaining strength, and from moving forward.
Because all of the sudden, everything was clear now.
Not everyone in your chosen path is there to befriend you,
Not everyone you trust is there to understand your struggles,
Not everyone you know is with the same level of your maturity,
Not everyone is interested about your explainations,
Being twenty-one is not just about being carefree, it is totally opposite to teenage years wherein you can just make mistakes and forget about them immediately. Being twenty-one meant preparing yourself for the harsh reality of life. You get friends, you fall in love, you get a job, you make mistakes, you wait for the consequences, people will judge you based on their level of perceptions and then you get
fucked up. I did not pay any attention to it ’till I was in the last days of being twenty-one.
Finally. Today is your last day.
As I bid goodbye to you, I am also saying goodbye to the person whom I thought was the worst I have been.
PS: Praying for healing and restoration as I turn twenty-two this year. ♥